My Life as a Black
by wannabewitch4526
Summary: My mom’s an amateur crack whore, my dad’s a convicted pyro, my brother has sexual relations with our house elf, and I have an unhealthy fear of poodles.  Welcome to my life as a Black.  Content  M rated.  I'm not JK Rowling, don't own anything.  Smut, AU.
1. Not Quite Drunk Enough

A/N: Hello and welcome to what is sure to become the (drumroll and trumpets) BEST SIRIUS REMUS SLASH EVER! (stop music) This is basically how I work: I write when I can, I post when I can, and, unless people show interest (that means reviews, people!) I get bored and discontinue the story. I really like it when people go to my profile and read my other stories, which, thus far, have been discontinued (but, if more interest is shown, I'll start posting again!) Also, my chapters are fairly short most of the time, but when I have enough time to actually sit down and write for, like, two hours, they can get fairly long, so expect a variety of lengths in the chapters. I'm going to probably make this story a fairly long one with a bunch of chapters, so it might be a good idea, if you like it, to subscribe to the "Story Alert" when (not if!) you review. Anyway, I've been talking WAAAAY too long. And now, I humbly present: My Life as a Black (anyone notice the ANTM pun?)

Okay, so, here goes:

My mom's an amateur crack whore, my dad's a convicted pyro, my brother has sexual relations with our house elf, and I have an unhealthy fear of poodles.

See? I have a perfectly normal life.

There's also an insanely complicated love-triangle-type-thing with my friends.

So:

Peter loves James who loves Lily who loves Remus who loves me who loves him back but is going out with a Slytherin named Narcissa Black out of "insistence" from my family, and she also happens to be my cousin, who has sexual relations with her sister, my other cousin, Bellatrix, who is Voldemort's whore, who is secretly in love with Severus (Snivellus) who loves Lily but does it with Professor Slughorn for money who has a thing for Professor McGonagall, who loves Dumbledore who used to love Grindelwald, but doesn't now, and now loves McGonagall back, but they can't date in public because "oh my what if their students found out," which all of us already have.

Welcome to my life as a Black.

It was a perfectly sunny afternoon in June, and I stepped out of my sun-filled room to go down to the dark pit that was my kitchen. You see, my family prefers not being able to see where the fuck they're going, because, in case they should happen to run over a certain family member (of their fancy), they, of course, have every right in the world to fuck them senseless. This is life in my family. So, as I was saying, I was going to breakfast in my kitchen. Nothing was unusual. At least… not for MY house. There were the usual moans and crashes of somebody getting it on (although who, I cannot say), the "beautiful" new portrait

Of my mother was gabbing away to nobody, and the doxies were so many that you could actually hear them buzzing around inside the curtains. Nah, nothing unusual at all.

I had just been owling back and forth with Tonks, and she had mentioned her new girlfriend Leslie. Well, I had my suspicions, but I never thought she'd be so open about being a lesbian…. Well, truthfully, I had been having some troubles of my own. You see, my friends and I like to get drunk the night before exams begin. And… well… you know what happens when two rebel wizards get dancing on a table together….

:Fade Out to May 31- the Night Before OWLS:

"Hey Moony!"

"Hey Padfoot! How's studying going?"

"Oh, let me tell you Moonsy, it's absolutely the biggest thrill of my life!"

"Oh, shut up Pads. Nobody ACTUALLY likes it---"

"---except Snivelly, o' course."

"Right. Well, anyway, you finished yet?"

"I was finished the second I opened this Merlin-forsakened book!"

"Good, because I come into your humble abode---"

"---Very humble, considering it's only a bed."

"---Bringing Firewhiskey!"

"Excellent! Where'd you swap it from THIS time?"

"Well, Lily's---"

"Oh, of course! Lily Wily got it for you, how COULD I have forgotten?"

"You know perfectly well I don't ACTUALLY like her. Prongs won't date anyone unless he snatches them from someone else, you know that!"

"True, true. But still…"

"Don't worry, I'm not straight, I swear."

"Wanna prove it to me?"

"I don't believe I'm quite drunk enough for that yet, Mr. Padfoot. Will you do the honors?"

"With pleasure, Mr. Moony."

Sirius took out his wand and opened the bottle.

His wand was truly magnificent. Oak and Phoenix Feather, 15 inches, with an Olivewood handle, and very strong, good for powerful spells. Everyone admired the perfection and beauty of the instrument, but Sirius wouldn't truly discover its power until the following year.

He opened the bottle, and shots of flame popped out of their glass prison.

"Excellent, that means it's still good. Well, Mr. Moony?"

"After you, Mr. Padfoot."

"Well, if you insist…"

And, with a powerful sweeping motion, Sirius whirled the bottle to his lips and took a great swig.

"You know, this stuff tastes really awful."

"Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin Juice?"

"No. It's fine, really, the effect is worth it anyway."

"Too right you are. Hey! Don't hog all of it! Give it here, you great brute!"

Sirius reluctantly surrendered the bottle to Remus, and Remus proceeded to drink it.

Sirius had always admired his friend's delicate features. He had a gently curving brow, soft grey eyes, and perfectly rounded lips which seemed to caress the bottle.

_Damn it Sirius! You're thinking poetically again!"_

Yes, he had a bad habit of thinking in poetic phrases when he was thinking about something particularly appealing.

_Ah, but it's all so true…._

"Pads? Earth to Padfoot!"

"Wha---? Oh sorry Moonsy."

"Oh good, I though I'd lost you there for a second. Oh, tragedy!"

Remus curves his hand to hid brow in a faked look of despair. Sirius always loved being the only person Remus was ever sarcastic to.

:Skip three hours:

"Eh… Moo- Moony? Are- you quite… drunk enough – yet?"

"Why, I do- believe so… M- Mr. Padfoot."

:Fade back to Reality:

_Sirius! Stop thinking about it! He was drunk! He was horny! You were the only person in the room! Do the math!"_

"_Oh, shut up brain! Go fuck yourself."_

"_Ah, but you see, I have no---"_

"_Okay, eww! I'm NOT going to think about my brain's genetielia! _

_Okay… I just DID. IMAGES!!!!_

Sirius would never forget that fateful night, he would just put off thinking about it until after breakfast.

The only sounds that were heard were that of two members of the family (probably Kreacher and Regulus again…) fucking each other stupid on the couch next door.

A/N: Okay, so I know that Chapter sucked, but it'll get better, I swear!!! PLEASE R&R!!! I know, a lot of people hate it when authors beg for reviews, but you give us no choice, people! Unless you review, we'll keep begging until the cows come home! Tell me what you want to see, because I don't really know where this is going …yet…. Also, anything you want to tell me that you don't want seen by others, go to my profile and my email address is there, and please feel free to email me anytime. I love you all!!!

P.S.

If you DO review, you get mentioned on my profile, so I guess that's kinda cool, right? Cheers!

3 wannabewitch


	2. That Feeling You Get in Your Bits

A/N: Okay, so because nobody was kind enough to say what the hell they wanted to see in the story, I'm doing it all myself. Poo you all!!! Anyway, sorry if the last chapter sucked… it'll get better, I swear on my bunny (whose name is also Lola!) Anyway, because I heard some of you didn't understand what went on in the last chapter, there was a reason for that: Sirius's mind is as mixed up and crazy as mine is! I know some of it didn't make sense, and not all of it was supposed to! So… interpret the text in your own special way, okay peeps? Anyway, right then. Chapter Two:

Alright, so, after the Firewhiskey incident, I had a lot on my mind.

Which is saying something.

You know that feeling you get in your "bits" when a really sexy girl comes around? Well, I was starting to feel that whenever Remus's owl Prometheus came around.

Eww! No! I wasn't thinking about the _bird_, you sickos!!! It's just, whenever Promy came around, that meant another letter from Remus.

Alright, for those of you who think more logically, let's do a little math:

Promy plus letter equals happy Sirius.

See now? I was getting WAY too excited when his letters came around. My poor owl Epimetheus was getting older, and, with the amount of letters I was sending Rem every day, he was sure to get exhausted. No worries, I made sure he was comfortable every night, and he slept on my mattress in a little quilt I conjured up for him, so that he got his rest. Poor Epie….

Anyway, point is, I was sending Rem a hell of a lot of letters.

More than I sent my girlfriend.

Now, mind you, I didn't choose for Narcissa to be my girlfriend. Hell, she's my frickin' cousin!!! But my mum threatened to send me to Durmstrang if I didn't take her out every once in a while, so I had no choice.

She never said anything about cheating, though.

Argh! Back on topic! Sorry, mates, I tend to go on strange tangents. There was this one time when James and I were talking about the Chudley Cannons, and I ended up reciting some huge monologue about how sex is necessary for existence... Yeah, I lose focus a lot...

Woah… did I just go on a tangent about a tangent?

Sirius! Focus!

Alright, so, Rem and I had been owling back and forth, and I kept getting excited like I would if that new singer Celestia Warbeck started owling me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love gay people! Hell, two of my best friends are (although one of them doesn't like to admit it….) But I, Sirius Black, the sexiest ladies' man to ever grace the Hogwarts grounds, proud record-holder of the most girls fucked at the same time(16 and let me tell you, 'twasnt easy!), couldn't POSSIBLY be…

Could he?

A/N: Was this the tiniest bit better? I don't think it was, but tell me what YOU think! I know it was short, but I didn't know what else to do. See, this chapter right here? THIS is what happens when y'all get lazy and don't tell me where you want the story to go. Also, if you check out my profile you can find my email address, and I heck my email every night . Cheers!


	3. I'm Frickin' in Love

A/N: Welcome back!!! Okay, I'm soooo sorry it took me so long to repost, but I was in NYC, so… yeah, I couldn't. I saw GREASE with Max Crumm and Laura Osnes, and IT WAS AMAZING!!!!! Sorry… anyway, here (finally) is the third installment of My Life as a Black, so sit back, relax, and enjoy!

Oh, also! I now have a c2!!! Yeah, it's called Guilty Pleasures, and it's an archive of all those stories that you shouldn't want to read, but you can't help but read them obsessively (i.e. smut, bondage, violence, pedophilia, etc.), so subscribe and enjoy!!!

I woke up rather reluctantly from a very pleasant dream.

:fade into dream:

Remus runs in between the trees, transparent ivory shirt and flowing black pants cascading behind him. His hair is caressing his face in a sort of twisted dance. I watch him run for a bit, his slim bare feet creating trails which entwine the trees like a gossamer string.

He looks back at me and smirks.

"Hello Sirius."

I stand there, dumbfounded. How did this perfect angel even know I existed?

He comes toward me, running ever faster by the second.

He stops right in front of me, his stormy eyes staring into my own chocolate colored ones.

"Run with me."

He takes my hand, his long, slender fingers knotted with mine, as my heart stops beating.

And I realize something:

I'm frickin' in love!

Then I'm jostled out of my reverie by none other than His Royal Sexiness.

"Wake up Pads. 'S time for Potions."

Does he always have to whisper so dreamily?

O, damn. No pun intended there. Sorry.

Anyway, why did he have to be so hot? And sweet, and hot, and loving, and hot, and compassionate, and hot, and clever, and, erm, did I mention hot?

"Moony, go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone."

Woah, did I just tell Remus to go the fuck away?

AND to leave me the hell alone?

Damn it!!!

I'm such a frickin' dickhead when I'm nervous….

O my shit!

I'm _nervous _when Remus is around!

DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Fine, Pads. Sorry I disturbed you. Just reminding you, tonight we're all going to the Three Broomsticks for Valentine's Day, so bring Narcissa, 'kay?"

"No, wait Moons. I'm sorry, I'm just not a morning person…."

"I've noticed."

Then he smirked that awful, beautiful smirk of his.

O damn. The butterflies are back. Well, better fix this up.

I had always half-way told people what I was feeling by saying it in a dramatically sarcastic manner. Luckily, nobody had figured it out quite yet.

"Oh, Remus! It's because I _love_ you! Oh, Remus, dahling!"

Then I fell into his arms, fake-sobbing as though I was in one of those muggle soap operas.

It felt so good.

:skip to the evening:

"Cissa! Come on, we're gonna be late!"

"Sirius! Where's my gift? It IS Valentine's Day, and I AM your girlfriend!"

"You know as well as I do that neither of us want that…."

"O shut up. Let's go, arsehole."

I walked with Narcissa to end of the road.

Narcissa is an… interesting… character.

This is the basic gist of Narcissa Black:

She's my girlfriend

Neither of us like each other at all

She's obsessed with money

She has a "secret" sexual affair with her sister, Bellatrix

She's a bitch on a stick

She's clingy as hell

Lucky me.

Anyway, we saw Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail at the start of the road. They were accompanied by their dates.

Moony was with Lily Evans, a red-haired Gryffindor who was exceptionally bright. And Prongs was obsessive about her. Kind of creepy, really. He had a frickin' picture of her hung up on the ceiling above his bed.

Prongs was with his "girlfriend," Calliope Erato. I guess the best way to describe her is y her nickname: Calliope Erotic. Yeah… she could give any guy a boner just by looking at him. She was a great singer, too. People swore she was half-siren.

Peter was with Frida Bulstrode, a Gryffindor. She kind of looked like a toad, to tell you the truth. But she wasn't NEARLY as bad as her sister, Satana Bulstrode. Not only did she look like a toad, but she was also a Slytherin! Ew.

"Hey Padfoot!"

"Oh god, Remus! Not those awful nicknames again!"

"Fine, Lily. Hello, Siri."

"Hey, _Mooooony_. How's it goin, _Moooooony_?"

"Ughh, you are such a nuisance Sirius. Why are you friends with him, Remus?"

Remus just sighed and bowed his head.

_No! My poor Moonsy is unhappy! Padfoot to the rescue!!!_

"Well, I guess I'm going to have to answer for him. Lily, it's fairly simply actually. It's because I'm so devastatingly sexy, nobody can really resist it."

"O, well I seem to be resisting just fine."

"My fault entirely. I forgot to mention: I have no power over _un_sexy people."

"How rude!"

"Well, let's get moving! We do have reservations, you know."

_Thank you Moons. Once again, you save the day._

"Yeah! And Sirius promised me Firewhiskey!!!"

"I said only if you stop annoying me, _Narcissa_."

"Whatever, let's get moving."

_Damn, this can't possibly go well…._

A/N: Okay, so, this chapter sucked too, but NOBODY told me what they wanted! Except tehfanglyfish, and trust me, you will get your wish, just not quite yet. :wink: REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT, OTHERWISE I END UP WRITING MORE CHAPTERS LIKE THIS!!! Thanks!


	4. NOT MY MOONY, BITCH!

A/N: Hey everybody! I'm sooo sorry I took so long to post! Damn school gets in the way again… you may have one this round, school, but I will have my day!!! (shakes fist angrily in the air) Wha—? Oh, sorry. Well, here you go!

The walk to the Three Broomsticks was… interesting, to say the least.

Narcissa was her dull self as usual. The only things the woman ever talks about are:

-Blokes (well, I don't know if count Snivellus or that bastard Lucius as REAL blokes…)

-Shoes (as if she didn't have enough already!)

-Kirley Duke (lead singer of the Weird Sisters, for those of you imbeciles who don't know)

Anyway, she was talking nonstop, and everybody was pissed off at her, and Lily decided to blame it on me.

"Sirius, you really need to tell your girlfriend to stop talking! I can't stand it anymore!"

We were in the middle of Hogmeade Square, and I didn't want to make a scene.

_Hmm… that's a first, Siri._

_Shut up. brain! I'm trying to tell a story!_

_Fine, be that way._

"Why can't you go tell her if you're so pissed about it?"

"Are you off your rocker?! I can't do it, that'd be rude!"

"Rude, schmude. It'd be just as rude if I said it. Everybody on the face of the earth knows I don't really like her anyway!"

"Well, unless you have another girlfriend in mind, I'd suggest getting used to her and TELL HER TO SHUT UP!!!"

"Well, you're out of luck, because I _do_ have someone else in mind."

"What? Who's the girl?!"

"Well…"

"What? Just tell us! Don't you want to hear Remus?"

"Not—"

"Of course you do, Remus. Well, listen to your friend, at least!"

I stared at Remus fervently. If he told Lily, that would make us official. That also means that we'd have to dump our dates on Valentine's Day, social suicide at Hogwarts. Not that I cared, but if Remus di—oh to hell with it, I did care a little, but it'd be worth it to be with Rem officially.

I waited anxiously for Remus's response.

He nodded.

_Oh my god! This is it! I'm coming out. Okay, breathe Siri. You've already come out to the person who matters. _

_But Siri! What about James and… well, what about James?!_

_He won't mind if he's really your mate._

_Yeah, but what if he's a frickin' homophobe?! It's not HIS fault if his parents raised him wrong!_

_Shut up, Sirius! Don't talk about Mr. and Mrs. Potter like that! They've always been supportive of you!_

_Well, maybe THEIR parents raised them like that!_

_STOP TALKING ABOUT JAMES'S FAMILY AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GONNA DO!!!_

_Right, sorry brain. Okay, so it'd kind of be useless to beat around the bush, so I guess I'll just come out with it. Sound good?_

_Sounds good._

_Let's do this thing._

_Right on._

"It's Remus, okay?"

"Wait—WHAT?!"

"You heard me, Ciss. I'm gay, get over it."

"Oh. My. God. I'VE BEEN DATING A QUEEN?!?!?!?!"

"No. Technically, you've been dating a twink. Queens are effeminate, whereas twinks are attractive young men whom seek the company of other attractive young men. You see—"

"I cannot BELIEVE I'm even having this conversation with my BOYFRIEND!!!"

"Oh, shut up about it. You don't like me, I don't like you. Let's call it quits, and you can go fuck your sister to your heart's content."

"Wh—I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Ah, why don't you go ask Bella, I'm sure she can recount your fuckfests, in case you weren't quite sober enough to remember them."

"Ah! Never in all—"

"Oh, come off it, Ciss. I'll go date Moony and you can—"

"Um, hello?! I'm right here you know!"

"Don't waste your breath, Lily. He was only going out with you so that Prongs would finally agree to ask you. We were going together behind your back."

"I told you never to say that! Dammit, Padfoot! Can you keep ANYTHING to your—"

"James? Is that true?"

"Yes…."

"Well?"

"What?"

"Do you want to—"

"NOBODY DUMPS NARCISSA BLACK! DAMN YOU SIRIUS!!!"

And with that, Narcissa whipped her wand out of her pocket and blasted a curse right at me, but with my animal-like reflexes (sorry, no pun intended), I managed to duck just in time, and it hit a tree instead. Nice girl, right? Well, it was almost understandable, until she tried cursing my poor Moony.

That, of course, meant war.

And, in all of one minute, everyone had their wands drawn, firing curses and hexes at whomever. The Hogmeade-goers were flipping out (understandably) and running into shops. Prongs was already spread out in the grass after a particularly nasty Petrificus Totalus fired by Lily. It was accidental, of course, but she was too pissed off at Moony to care too much. I, of course, had dropped my wand, and was now using Prongs's, but I needed mine desperately. How the hell was I supposed to get this thing over with if I didn't even have my own wand?

But, after about fifteen minutes of random curses and dizzying dueling, I spotted my wand next to Narcissa's foot. In a daring leap of faith, I dove to my wand. I had barely made it before I had to block a potentially deadly blow from Narcissa, but I did that with my spell book, not my wand. Then, she aimed one at Moony.

That was the last straw.

"NOT MY MOONY, BITCH!!!"

And I blasted her with the most powerful acne hex I could conjure.

"No!!! Not my beautiful face! Bella's gonna be so pissed!"

And she ran crying back to Hogwarts.

"You okay, Moons?"

"I'm fine, Pad. Thanks for that. It was very noble."

"Eh, don't mention it. I'd honestly been waiting to do that since I was little."

And then he smiled that little half-smile. _Oh god, I'm so frickin' lucky to have him._

Then I caught Prongs out of the corner of my eye. Snogging Lily, no less. Well, I guess this was a win-win scenario for all of the Marauders. Well… where the hell was Wormtail? Oh well. I guess he ran off.

_Well, you did it, Siri. You came out._

_Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?_

_Yup, you did mate._

_And Rem didn't mind._

_Nope. Well, better go congratulate James, huh?_

_Yup. Later brain._

_See ya._

"Good one, mate!"

"Thanks, Padfoot."

"James, _please _don't use those dreadful nicknames!"

"Alright, for you, my sugarquill. Thanks, Sirius."

"Well, Lily, since you're not dating Moony anymore, I guess I can be a little less vile."

"Thank you, Sirius. I appreciate that."

"Well, congratulations, James. Lily."

"Thanks Rem."

"Yeah, thanks Remus. Still friends?"

"Of course."

"Well, maybe we should go find Peter and Frida. James?"

"After you, Lily Wily."

James made one of those incredibly cheesy hand gestures "leading" her forward. You know, the one when in like the Muggle movies about the 18th century, the guy like opens the door and like, opens up his arm with his palm out, and like bows almost? Yeah, that one.

_Eh, let James be cheesy if he wants to be. You got Rem._

_That's true brain, that is true._


	5. Supernatural Snogging Powers

A/N: Hello again!!! Now, before I go on with the story, I would like to say a few words and here they are: Nitwit, Oddment, Blubber, Tweak!!! No, I'm kidding, but I feel that I should bring some things to your attention. First off: GO TO MY PROFILE!!! There's all sorts of goodies, like quotes, contests, and more information on my SAVE THE CYBERBUNNIES campaign. Also, I'm so sorry it takes me so long to repost!!! With school (aka prison) and such, I kind of need to focus a little bit; you know how such things can be ;-) Anyway, I just posted my first contest on my profile, and it's pretty cool. Because I'm now having to really put all my time and energy into schoolwork, and I barely have time to write chapters, let alone proofread them, I'm holding a contest for an official editor!!! If you're just starting out on Fanfiction, let's say, and you want your name out there as a great author, this is the contest for you!!! (See my profile for rules, prizes, etc.) Well, I've been babbling along waaaay too much. This chapter has SMUT to the highest degree, so if you don't wanna read it, don't. I don't give a f-- well, I don't care. And now, without further ado, Chapter 5, ladies and gentlemen!!!

"Go go Gryffindor!!!" 

Moony, Wormtail, and I are at the front of the stadium, screaming our heads off as James goes into a death-defying dive for the Snitch.

"I swear to god, Pads, if his child is any bit that good at Quidditch…."

"Eh, he will be, Moony, it's in the blood. His father was a Beater, his grandfather was a Keeper, I think even his great great grandfather was a Chaser. I just hope his kid'll be Seeker, it's the best position, bar none."

"True, true. OH MY GOD! GO PRONGS, GO!!!"

James had suddenly sliced around the corner of the stadium and was a blur of agility and perfection as he leaned into his broom and bolted towards the Snitch. He made figure eights and loops and dives and…

"POTTER'S CAUGHT THE SNITCH!!! That's 150 points to Gryffindor! They win the game!!! Gryffindor wins!!!"

James made his rounds around the rim of the arena, milking his victory for all it was worth. He was catching tokens of appreciation from Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws including everything from teddy bears to flowers to bras from some rowdy Ravenclaws, who were "escorted" from the stadium.

"Way to go, Prongs!"

"Nice going!"

"Wow, James, that was incredible! You looked so graceful and—and—beautiful up there!"

"I think you're in love, Wormtail!"

"O, bugger you, Sirius."

"Thanks, mates. Now, where's Lily?"

Just then, Lily came strolling into the picture, books in hand.

"Good job, James. I really do wish that you could put some of that effort into studying, though. What do you say, after the party in the Common Room, we go to the library and work on some assignments?"

"Aw, Lils, do we have—"

"—I'll make it worth your while…."

"O—okay…."

I caught Rem and whispered in his ear:

"I swear to god, the power she has over that boy, I bet some teachers wish they had it."

"Yeah, but think about it: They're in love, Siri. You have power over me, you know…"

"Ah, this is all too true. What do you say we ditch them and set up for the party?"

"I'm surprised you didn't think of that before, Siri. Let's go."

Rem and I had set up the party just in time, let me tell you. The second we were finished decorating, hundreds of hungry, hyper Gryffindors stampeded in, almost crushing the poor little house elf (Dory, I think she was called) who had smuggled in the Firewhiskey for us. Bless her. Anyway, we all started partying, and drinking, and, you know: 

Sirius plus too many Firewhiskeys equals Horny beyond compare

I think, had I not anyone in particular I was interested in, I would've screwed anyone in the Common Room at that point. But I did have someone in particular tonight, and, unfortunately, that meant that, despite my brain being supersaturated with alcohol, I would have to restrain myself.

At least, until he was drunk enough, too.

_Come on, Sirius. You're horny, he's your boyfriend, there's a frickin' broom cupboard right next to you, you do the math!_

_Yeah, but, brain! Now, understand that I normally don't agitate you when you're, enjoying, yourself so much—_

_--This is true, Sirius. But why stop now, mate? You can have it all._

_But what if he doesn't want to yet?_

_Who cares?_

_I DO!!!_

_Well, think about it, what person DOESN'T want to be screwed by you?_

…_none that I can think of at the moment… but still—_

_--Still what? What if he doesn't want to? I thought we just established this! You seemed to have no problem with all your girlfriends being fucked stupid by you._

_I know, but they're not the same. This is REMUS we're talking about here, brain, not just another girl. I care this—_

_--did you just say you cared?! Sirius Black?! CARE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!_

_I know, believe me I know, but Remus is…different, okay?_

_Fine, fine, don't listen to me. You never do anyway._

_That's not—well, maybe it is, come to think of it._

_Go have fun not having fun, loser._

_You know? I knew I didn't like you…._

_Nor I you._

_Fine!_

_Fine!_

But, thankfully to stop my internal blathering, Remus came up to me, completely wasted, and dragged me into the broom cupboard.

_Huh, I guess we both got our way then, Sirius._

_Yeah. Hey, I'm not complaining!_

_No hard feelings?_

_None at all._

"Sirius?"

Woah, I had NEVER heard him talk… well, drunk, before…. Then, he pulled me into a smothering kiss. I'd never really thought him the dominating type, but I wasn't minding it too much. His hot breath sent shivers of ecstasy down my spine, and I used all of my supernatural snogging powers to repay him equally for such bliss.

Well, by the feeling of his trousers on my leg, it worked.

"Siri."

"Yes, Rem?"

"Fuck. Now."

"Yes sir!"

It was like a religious experience. 

Rather cramped, but still, with our nimble features, we managed to do just fine.

It started out with more passionate snogging, as most great sex does, but then it became even more. Remus took out his wand and did an incantation which not only created a beautiful room full of red silk and pleather (I refused to harm any animal, so I assume this was a thoughtful gesture on his part), but it created this sort of golden halo of light around my soul. I don't really know how to describe it in its full glory, but if you've ever had really great sex, just increase the passion by about five million percent, and that's what this light was doing. He slammed me onto the bed—

_--Huh, the bottom really isn't so bad. I can see why girls like it so much…._

And started undoing my shirt, button by button—

With his mouth.

Oh, god! If that didn't give me an erection, I don't know what ever will.

Come to think of it—

_Sirius, stop thinking! Just fuck him, then think about it later!_

_Hold on, brain, just one last thought._

As I was saying, now that I came to thinking of it, I had no idea Remus was so… well… skilled in the bedroom. Just goes to show you, I guess. Anyway, back to fuckfest.

Once our shirts were off, he undid my trousers the same way he did my shirt.

Woah.

I don't even know how he got this good! Anyway, once everything was off, and Remus was standing there in his full glory (damn, he looked like a Roman god or something!) and I mine, we screwed.

Damn.

We rocked back and forth, I perfect mesh, and, especially because neither of us had gay sex before, we were doing very well.

Anyway, then, I consumed him in my mouth, flicking the tip with my practiced tongue.

"Oh, Siri! I'm gonna come!"

"Come, already! It's my turn!"

And I swallowed him. It tasted so, Remus-y..., I dunno! But it was great.

Then he did me, and let me tell you, best fuck ever, bar none. I came almost as quickly as he had with me, and then we just lay there, on top of one another for a little bit.

"Damn, you're good, Moony!" 

"Haven't you noticed? Full moon's tomorrow."

"Ah, now I see, it's the madness within, eh?"

"Guess so, mate. Just don't expect anything that good next time, okay?"

"Got it. Well?"

"What?"

"How 'bout me, twit?!"

"Pads, we just screwed each other, and already you're calling me a twit?"

"Yup."

"Fine. I must say, I think practice makes perfect."

"Fucking is so easy, especially when the other person's equal to your skill level."

"Alright, well, we just had sex."

"Woah, really? I hadn't noticed, Moons!"

"Oh, stop being sarcastic, Pads."

"Ain't gonna happen."

"Well, anyway, what do we do now?"

"Um… go on with our lives?"

"No, I mean about doing it again! We can't just do it in the broom cupboard all the time!"

"Well, there's always the One-Eyed Witch passageway."

"Too small."

"Um… there's bound to be some secret room or something. I would say the Shrieking Shack, but that might put a damper on the situation."

"Just slightly, Siri. Tell you what? As soon as I find a good place, I'll mirror you, okay?"

"Sounds good. Fucky buddy."

"Fucky buddy?"

"It's either that or Dicky Mickey…."

"I'll take Fucky buddy."

"Good."

"By the way, if it's ever not a full moon, I'm probably not gonna be on top."

"That's totally cool, I'm used to the top."

"Damn, I have to study, I have a Defense Against the Dark Arts test tomorrow!"

"You're gonna study after sex?"

"I'm sorry Siri. I have to. And you have homework, anyway."

"Fine, fine. See you later."

"Alright. Love you."

"Love you too."

A/N: Well, what did you think?! I know I'm no good at writing smut scenes, but that's also that I worry my mother is going to come and read over my shoulder (which she does), so I do it when she's not around. REVIEW!!! (Especially y'all with cyberbunnies [MysteriWriter07, tehfanglyfish, MoonyistheMan, orange sheep of the flock, they're gonna starve if you don't get your reviews in by tomorrow!!!) Anyway, I have a great new contest up on my profile (in case you didn't read about it up top), so check it out, especially if you're a budding writer who wants their name out there ;-) Chapter 6 will come soon, but I'm writing a one-piece, so it might be a little while. I promise, by Thanksgiving (November 22), the next chapter'll be up! Cheers! 


	6. Cage Dancer on LSD

A/N: I'm soooooo sorry for not updating in so long! I've had extreme writer's block, I've been studying for exams, I went to Paris last week (INCROYABLE!), and I left my journal with all of the plotlines for all of my stories in my locker at school (which I have to go back to tomorrow, ewwww!!!) So basically, I had this epiphany at three in the morning yesterday (or was it today, I can never tell) to do sort of a little mini-story-type-thing, so here it is! It might be the longest chapter to date, I dunno, but it's fun and it took me two hours to write it without a break (I handwrite before typing), so kudos to moi! Also, MANY THANKS TO RANKEGG, AUTHOR OF 20 REASONS WHY LIKING REMUS IS WRONG, FOR REVIEWING! YOU'RE MY FREAKIN' FANFIC HERO (you and Lady Bracknell and MysteriWriter07)!!! Cheers!

Okay, so skip to Valentine's Day.

So Remus (bless him) is fast asleep on the armchair, piled with parchments and books and quills and ink and toasters and pink elephants and Merlin knows what else.

_Aww, he's so cute, all tired out…_

_Did Sirius just go sentimental on me?_

_But brain! Just look at him, sitting there, that little crinkle in his nose he gets when he's thinking—_

_AAAH! ACTUAL FEELINGS! __**IT BUUUURNS!!!**_

_Haven't I corrupted you enough to keep you—occupied— while I mushily adore the glory that is Remus?_

_Is there such a thing as over-corruption?_

_Shut up and be nasty and vulgar on your own, for once._

_Loneleeeeee! I'm so lonleeeeeee! I have nobodeeeeee for my own!_

_Don't you have any friends?_

_Yes I do, thank you very much. Oh heart! Lungs! Intestines! Is everyone excited? It's dirty time…_

_Do I want to know?_

_I don't think so._

_Thought not._

Anyway, there's only a tiny stretch of time with which to gawk at Rem, because today's Valentine's Day!

**Valentine's Day: noun. February 14, observed in honor of St. Valentine (Webster's Muggle Dictionary)**

Well, no offense to Webster, but I believe it's blatantly obvious that he hasn't had a _real_ Valentine's Day in his life, so that definition is a load of codswallop. Shall we help him out? (reader nods his/her head in agreement)

Excellent.

**Valentine's Day: noun. A) the feast day of some annoying saint that nobody cares about. B) the one day a year when anyone can shag anyone senseless absolutely anywhere and everywhere and no one can say a thing about it, so ha! C) payday for cupid impersonators worldwide. (Sirius Black's Dictionary for Sexy Beasts)**

Whew! All that thinking really gets your appetite going, and I know just what I'm hankerin' for: Remus.

Yummy.

"Oh Remmy, my darling, my love! Get up! There's places to go, people to see, tee shirts to buy!"

"Siri, get the hell off of me. Why are you waking me up anyway? It's Sunday."

"Don'cha know? It's the International Day of Lovers, the Crème de la Crème of festivals, the Worldwide Celebration of 'ooh la la!' 'hubba hubba' '(wolf whistle)'!"

"Huh?"

"IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, YOU TWIT!"

"Oh."

"So get up, lazybones!"

"Fine, I'm up, okay?"

"Aren't you ever so excited?!"

"For what?"

"Well, hmm… I dunno, um, maybe the fact that it's frickin' Valentine's Day?!"

"Well, I guess so. What are we doing today, then?"

"I've got something planned, hukuna matata."

"Huh?"

'_sigh' He's so adorable when he does that sideways inquiring glance thing, isn't he?_

_Can't talk. Thinking dirty thoughts._

_Oh, right._

_Ooh, gimme gimme more Severus!_

_WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!_

_Just making sure you were awake, that's all._

_That'd BETTER be all, this isn't Wormtail's mind, you know._

"It means no worries, love. Wanna eat?"

My plan was going perfectly. And no, you don't get to know ahead of time what goes on just because you're the reader, who do you think I am?

So the rest of the day went on as per usual, with the exception of the boatload of Valentines from Hogwarts maidens of all ages. But I got a rather disturbing one from a fifth year that, to this day, has left me scarred for life.

A rabid poodle.

I should explain. Attached to its cage was a card that read:

**Dear Sirius,**

**My name is Olivia McEntire, and I want, nay, DEMAND you to be my Valentine. Here's how this is going to work. I assume you've noticed my poodle by now. Shredder will stay in his cage, assuming you respond to my letter, of course. And, don't worry, he'll make sure you do. Know why? Because I've charmed his cage to open and release Shredder (he's rabid, by the way), where he will proceed to tear apart your face. Saavy?**

**Your Valentine (or else),**

**Olivia McEntire**

"Hey Padfoot, 'sup with the poodle on crack?"

"I dunno, but it's freakin' me out! Read this, Prongs."

(about twenty seconds later)

"That's friggin' sick! Are you gonna respond?"

"Oh, I'll respond alright."

**Dear Olivia,**

**You are insane. Lucky for me, I noticed a loophole in your little plan. It said to respond, it never said positive or negative, now did it? I'm sending Shredder back, fully caged and un-rabified (I did it meself). Never contact me again, you sick bitch.**

**You wish I was yours,**

**Sirius Black**

Ah, I love the smell of un-rabified poodles bring flown far away from me in the morning.

Yeah, well, it didn't turn out too well. Turns out Olivia's in—

Gasp! You little trickster! I'll never tell you! Well, I will, just not right—never mind. A man needs to keep some secrets, doesn't he?! Point is: she's sketchy, I hate poodles, and I want to be in a flippy cartoon with the Beatles (they're a freakin' awesome Muggle band from Liverpool).

'skip to dinner'

"Come on Pads! We haven't got all night, you know! I'm sure your hair looks just fine."

Wait for it…

"Hang on a second, is he even IN there?"

I'm a genius. You see, by sneaking out the bathroom window, nobody knows where I am, and I have extra time to put the finishing touches on my surprise for Moonykins. This will all make sense later, I swear.

'in the Great Hall'

'enter Remus'

"Does anyone know where Sirius is?"

"Nope."

"Nope."

"But on another note, you look dashing tonight, Moony."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, y'look strapping, mate."

"I just hope Sirius likes these chocolates."

"Is there any chocolate Padfoot DOESN'T like?!"

"True."

It was time.

"Kick it, chorus girls!"

I stepped out from behind the teacher's table, behind a pink curtain, and strutted between those tables like they were runways.

"Love, love, love—"

"Sirius Black's in the house."

"Love, love, love—"

"This one's for a very special person, a great friend of mine."

"Love, love, love!"

"It's easy!

All you need is love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is Love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is love, love—

Love is all you need."

I really thought the best part was the outfit. I was channeling the Beatles circa Yellow Submarine, so I was decked out in a canary yellow military jacket, a bright green Sargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band tee shirt, blue and pink striped bellbottoms, a beard, granny specs—so I was feeling a little John Lennon, so-effin-what? I looked fab-u-lous.

I figured I might as well make the most of it, so I jumped onto the Slytherin table, pulled my jacket off, and continued.

"There's nothing to can do that can't be done,

Nothing you can sing that can't be sung—"

I kind of forgot the lyrics to the song, so I did what any great performer does, and made them up.

"Nothing you can ring that can't be rung,

It's easy!"

"All you need is love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is Love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is love, love—

Love is all you need."

Then I did a split-jump off of the Slytherin table and went to the Ravenclaw table, ripped my shirt off, and sang again.

"There's nothing you can king that can't be konged,

Nothing you can ting that can't be tonged,

Nothing you can right that can't be wronged,

It's easy!"

"All you need is love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is Love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is love, love—

Love is all you need."

Of course, now I was dancing like a cage dancer on LSD (in true Beatles spirit), so I cartwheeled right on down to the Hufflepuffs. Off came the pants, and I sang once more.

"There's nothing you can moved that can't be moved,

Nothing you can groove that can't be grooved," 

Shit! I wasn't thinking! THERE'S NO MORE RHYMING VERBS!!!! Oh well…

"Nothing you can floove the can't be flooved,

It's easy!"

"All you need is love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is Love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is love, love—

Love is all you need."

Of course, I saved the best for last. I did a double handspring into the air, landing in the mashed potatoes on the Gryffindor table, and continued.

"There's nothing you can muck that can't be mucked,

Nothing you can duck that can't be ducked,"

My favorite part.

By now I'm standing right in front of Moony (he's redder than a tomato), and, well, I had stripped everything off but my knickers and my specs, and the specs weren't going anywhere. You do the math.

"NOTHING YOU CAN FUCK THAT CAN'T BE FUCKED!"

"MR. BLACK!!! _DETENTION!!!!!!!_"

"Just a second, Professor, I'm almost finished.

It's easy!"

Here's the glitch:

Turns out Olivia (the creepy girl with the poodle) is in Gryffindor. She was slightly pissed.

"SHREDDER, ATTACK!!!!!"

So now I have the entire faculty plus a crazed poodle chasing after me, so I have to sing the final chorus while I still can.

"All you need is love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is Love,"

"Doo doo doo doo doo!"

"All you need is love, love—

Love is all you need."

I do hope that entertained Remus. For three month's detention and a poodle mauling me, it better have, that's all I have to say.

'back in the Common Room'

"Sirius?"

"Yeah? Oh, hey Rem!"

"Is your face okay?"

"It's wonderful, couldn't be any fuckin' better. So, did you like my little performance?"

"You're an idiot. I love you."

A/N: Did you like? Was it worth the lost night of sleep? Don't you just love Sirius even more now?! I do, but I guess I'm kind of biased, huh? Oh, by the way, the SAVE THE CYBERBUNNY campaign is back up and running, as is my contest (see my profile for details). Also, I can no longer post all the reviewers and such, so I'll be listing them at the ends of chapters. To those of you who are up there, well, you're just special, now aren't you? Look forward to more soon! Cheers!


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